An Email

Dear Husband
 
I’m writing this to you in spite of knowing this email may upset you further. But this is a risk worth taking. You may find it flimsy, not original (borrowed from novels) and not worthy of your time. But I sincerely urge you to read till the end and then discard as appropriate.
 
I want you to read this email without any prejudices. When you read this I want you to remember that I am the only person in this world who knows you better than anybody else. And I’m the person who cares for you no less than your parents and sister. So if I’m saying something, just listen and please don’t react. I wish only good things for you.
 
Based on our couple of past highly futile conversations, I am saying futile because I was not satisfied with any of those conversation till date. We could not communicate like two mature adults; we shouted, screamed and abused each other. So it was only emotional drainage and damage than anything else.
 
Anyways, based on these discussions, what I figure out that you are at a stage in your life where you would like to do something outside your ordinary mundane existence. You are at a juncture where you are exploring all possibilities of what things interest you. You have suffered instances of misdeeds to you by others, being cornered, being used and emotionally rubbed off. And you do not want to be the silent one anymore. All these pain that you have suffered need a way to vent out. So now I am convinced on your shift in priorities..
 
And you know I completely welcome your this urge, eagerness and enthusiasm to do things for yourself, from which you can draw joy and a sense of contentment. Who will not want this for their near and dear one! So let me tell you, I’ve no issues with your newfound priority in life. As you had mentioned in one of our conversations, you want to backpack and go somewhere away to claim your inner peace. I welcome that idea wholeheartedly. I’ll help you in planning, packing and I promise you when you are away I will take complete care of the house and kids. We all need this kind of breakouts, self-discovery journeys in life. Even I want that for myself. I’m saying all these just to reassure that I’m not here to point finger at you. In this journey of life, I’m at your side, in your team.
 
My only biggest concern and doubt is your conduct while you go about pursuing your non-family related priorities with an inadequate emotional maturity. I apologies, I may sound a lot harsh but I think if I am not going to tell you then who else will? I’m your partner in good times, bad times and I am also your biggest critic.
 
Off late, I’m seeing a lot of anger and hatred in you, for people, for things, with ideas and life in general. Off late, there is some amount roughness in your behaviour and body language in general. I have upset you before by saying this but please think about it again. In past 3 months, you have fought with family, society members, neighbours and I may not know few others. I’m sure that the fights are justified. But what happened in these 3 months that such need for so many verbal fights!! Don’t you think too many unpleasant things are happening one after another. Your journey was supposed to find inner peace and true meaning in life. Is this giving you peace? I can only see sleepless nights, your anxiety and a perpetual frown face.  
Can’t you see how these unpleasant things upset me? In this journey of yours, do you plan to alienate me? 
 
Should it not call for introspection? Life is not a journey of going two steps forward and one step back. That happens only when we live life without awareness, without learning from our experiences. So in the name of your intolerance to injustice, when you justify the fights, I am getting highly disturbed and alarmed. When you are taking pride in your rawness then that disturbs me. When you justify abusive behaviour as a retaliation to my actions; that scares me. Over last 17 years, I’ve learnt so many great things from you, three fourth of my wisdom, I credit it to you. But now I suddenly find a huge gap in our ideologies!! Life does not run by right and wrong be it other’s actions or people. Life runs on maturity and respect. According to me, rawness and maturity are so contradicting. So please don’t boast a quality which I think is your weakness and not strength!!
 
Now that you have embarked on such beautiful journey for yourself, why not the beautiful side of yours which has compassion, kindness, a great sense of humour and maturity come in front of the people. Let them know and appreciate the real You. Bitterness is not you.
 
Don’t take me wrong. I just want you to take a step back, prioritise and conduct in a clam manner. Breathe. Sleep. Enjoy time with kids. All this while you work on MC and in your office. Please don’t act like a man possessed. Don’t make it appear like a fight for freedom during British era. This world is not as bad as you are thinking right now. People are not as bad as you are thinking right now. Everyone is not playing a game. Please do introspection and then decide your course of actions. Don’t be in a hurry to get results as if to prove a point to someone. Please don’t take any actions without thinking what will be the consequences and how it is going to impact the wellness of your family and your peace of mind. Sorry again for saying things over and over again, even after your many verbal assurances. But now I would like to see your assurance translating to actions please.
 
My only desire is just to see a happy, well rested, calm and cheerful person back in you. And that will solve half of my problems. And rest half I’ll manage myself with some guidance from you.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Thanks a lot.
                                                                                                                                                   Yours truly
                                                                                                                                                                                                  
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A Journey to a Decision

How am I feeling now? Quite hurtful!! A shriek pain in my tummy! A lump in my throat! Can’t utter two words without a shake in voice and water in my eyes! I can’t believe I am this emotional mess! A sense of being unloved overpowers all other senses. How I’ve come to this situation! Where things went wrong?

The person whom I held close to my heart, body, soul and everything else is now feels like a stranger. I can’t recognize him anymore. How two people who weaved together a beautiful nest, created two beautiful children, a nest oozing with laughter, happiness, silliness suddenly turning into just a living space! Unforeseen sudden changes in priority for one partner while the other one still clings with hope to the daily titbit of happiness in the most common and mundane things of life. Thus a sense of burden comes over in the relation and an alleged hindrance to one’s changed priority.

Just like love at first sight, is there something like unscrew and unlove one fine morning. Till three fortnights back, everything was so normal like the last 17 years! And suddenly just like a pyramid of cards come crumbling down, everything is flat, a straight horizontal line. Hardly any warmth, love, tenderness and compassion left. What’s left is just the countless arguments, harshest words and a bleeding heart. Is this how relationships perish? Is this how warmth evaporates and indifference sets in. As they say there is ups and downs in all relationships. But why this does not feel like a down, it feels like a flat bottom. Where will it go from here? Can one heal from the deep injuries inflicted by those words? Can time heal everything? It’s very scary! What am I supposed to do? Is this how it feels when one lose a partner to death? It feels like death, a sudden demise of a relation.  When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind. Agreed, but what will happen to the tree when there is no soil to hold the roots?  It feels there is no soil left, it is eroded suddenly by a cloud burst without a prior warning. What a sad situation!

So what should I do? Give it time while I mute myself. Or behave as a more compassioned partner who now understands the new priorities of other partner and makes amendments to her expectations and living accordingly. But that is a huge change, so many differences in ideologies, a huge gap in how one perceives things and life! And also that is at a cost of murdering the self-respect because every time I’ve tried to do that has met with more accusations and a cold shoulder. Have I been that a bad partner who had caused so many miseries that it reached a threshold and then exploded. But if that is the case, why I never felt it that way? I always felt it a mutually nurtured happy relationship. Was I living in a bubble? We were a team, best friends. So what happened suddenly?

I do not want to end up as a bitter middle aged woman with a perpetual frown face. I want to be happy within to raise my two children to be happy and look forward to life with enthusiasm. I’ll give everything that is there in me to get least effected by the negativity that surrounds me now. I’ll give it a year, 12 months from today. I’ll give it a shot with all my positivity and I will hope and pray that I find good enough reasons to be there in this relationship. Else I’ll jump to the fire, take a head on and move out with my children.

I’m going to record my journey for next one year here in this blog. At the end of the year, I will look back and the journey will surely give me a clue on what I will do next.