A Journey to a Decision

How am I feeling now? Quite hurtful!! A shriek pain in my tummy! A lump in my throat! Can’t utter two words without a shake in voice and water in my eyes! I can’t believe I am this emotional mess! A sense of being unloved overpowers all other senses. How I’ve come to this situation! Where things went wrong?

The person whom I held close to my heart, body, soul and everything else is now feels like a stranger. I can’t recognize him anymore. How two people who weaved together a beautiful nest, created two beautiful children, a nest oozing with laughter, happiness, silliness suddenly turning into just a living space! Unforeseen sudden changes in priority for one partner while the other one still clings with hope to the daily titbit of happiness in the most common and mundane things of life. Thus a sense of burden comes over in the relation and an alleged hindrance to one’s changed priority.

Just like love at first sight, is there something like unscrew and unlove one fine morning. Till three fortnights back, everything was so normal like the last 17 years! And suddenly just like a pyramid of cards come crumbling down, everything is flat, a straight horizontal line. Hardly any warmth, love, tenderness and compassion left. What’s left is just the countless arguments, harshest words and a bleeding heart. Is this how relationships perish? Is this how warmth evaporates and indifference sets in. As they say there is ups and downs in all relationships. But why this does not feel like a down, it feels like a flat bottom. Where will it go from here? Can one heal from the deep injuries inflicted by those words? Can time heal everything? It’s very scary! What am I supposed to do? Is this how it feels when one lose a partner to death? It feels like death, a sudden demise of a relation.  When the roots are deep, there is no reason to fear the wind. Agreed, but what will happen to the tree when there is no soil to hold the roots?  It feels there is no soil left, it is eroded suddenly by a cloud burst without a prior warning. What a sad situation!

So what should I do? Give it time while I mute myself. Or behave as a more compassioned partner who now understands the new priorities of other partner and makes amendments to her expectations and living accordingly. But that is a huge change, so many differences in ideologies, a huge gap in how one perceives things and life! And also that is at a cost of murdering the self-respect because every time I’ve tried to do that has met with more accusations and a cold shoulder. Have I been that a bad partner who had caused so many miseries that it reached a threshold and then exploded. But if that is the case, why I never felt it that way? I always felt it a mutually nurtured happy relationship. Was I living in a bubble? We were a team, best friends. So what happened suddenly?

I do not want to end up as a bitter middle aged woman with a perpetual frown face. I want to be happy within to raise my two children to be happy and look forward to life with enthusiasm. I’ll give everything that is there in me to get least effected by the negativity that surrounds me now. I’ll give it a year, 12 months from today. I’ll give it a shot with all my positivity and I will hope and pray that I find good enough reasons to be there in this relationship. Else I’ll jump to the fire, take a head on and move out with my children.

I’m going to record my journey for next one year here in this blog. At the end of the year, I will look back and the journey will surely give me a clue on what I will do next.