An Email

Dear Husband
I’m writing this to you in spite of knowing this email may upset you further. But this is a risk worth taking. You may find it flimsy, not original (borrowed from novels) and not worthy of your time. But I sincerely urge you to read till the end and then discard as appropriate.
I want you to read this email without any prejudices. When you read this I want you to remember that I am the only person in this world who knows you better than anybody else. And I’m the person who cares for you no less than your parents and sister. So if I’m saying something, just listen and please don’t react. I wish only good things for you.
Based on our couple of past highly futile conversations, I am saying futile because I was not satisfied with any of those conversation till date. We could not communicate like two mature adults; we shouted, screamed and abused each other. So it was only emotional drainage and damage than anything else.
Anyways, based on these discussions, what I figure out that you are at a stage in your life where you would like to do something outside your ordinary mundane existence. You are at a juncture where you are exploring all possibilities of what things interest you. You have suffered instances of misdeeds to you by others, being cornered, being used and emotionally rubbed off. And you do not want to be the silent one anymore. All these pain that you have suffered need a way to vent out. So now I am convinced on your shift in priorities..
And you know I completely welcome your this urge, eagerness and enthusiasm to do things for yourself, from which you can draw joy and a sense of contentment. Who will not want this for their near and dear one! So let me tell you, I’ve no issues with your newfound priority in life. As you had mentioned in one of our conversations, you want to backpack and go somewhere away to claim your inner peace. I welcome that idea wholeheartedly. I’ll help you in planning, packing and I promise you when you are away I will take complete care of the house and kids. We all need this kind of breakouts, self-discovery journeys in life. Even I want that for myself. I’m saying all these just to reassure that I’m not here to point finger at you. In this journey of life, I’m at your side, in your team.
My only biggest concern and doubt is your conduct while you go about pursuing your non-family related priorities with an inadequate emotional maturity. I apologies, I may sound a lot harsh but I think if I am not going to tell you then who else will? I’m your partner in good times, bad times and I am also your biggest critic.
Off late, I’m seeing a lot of anger and hatred in you, for people, for things, with ideas and life in general. Off late, there is some amount roughness in your behaviour and body language in general. I have upset you before by saying this but please think about it again. In past 3 months, you have fought with family, society members, neighbours and I may not know few others. I’m sure that the fights are justified. But what happened in these 3 months that such need for so many verbal fights!! Don’t you think too many unpleasant things are happening one after another. Your journey was supposed to find inner peace and true meaning in life. Is this giving you peace? I can only see sleepless nights, your anxiety and a perpetual frown face.  
Can’t you see how these unpleasant things upset me? In this journey of yours, do you plan to alienate me? 
Should it not call for introspection? Life is not a journey of going two steps forward and one step back. That happens only when we live life without awareness, without learning from our experiences. So in the name of your intolerance to injustice, when you justify the fights, I am getting highly disturbed and alarmed. When you are taking pride in your rawness then that disturbs me. When you justify abusive behaviour as a retaliation to my actions; that scares me. Over last 17 years, I’ve learnt so many great things from you, three fourth of my wisdom, I credit it to you. But now I suddenly find a huge gap in our ideologies!! Life does not run by right and wrong be it other’s actions or people. Life runs on maturity and respect. According to me, rawness and maturity are so contradicting. So please don’t boast a quality which I think is your weakness and not strength!!
Now that you have embarked on such beautiful journey for yourself, why not the beautiful side of yours which has compassion, kindness, a great sense of humour and maturity come in front of the people. Let them know and appreciate the real You. Bitterness is not you.
Don’t take me wrong. I just want you to take a step back, prioritise and conduct in a clam manner. Breathe. Sleep. Enjoy time with kids. All this while you work on MC and in your office. Please don’t act like a man possessed. Don’t make it appear like a fight for freedom during British era. This world is not as bad as you are thinking right now. People are not as bad as you are thinking right now. Everyone is not playing a game. Please do introspection and then decide your course of actions. Don’t be in a hurry to get results as if to prove a point to someone. Please don’t take any actions without thinking what will be the consequences and how it is going to impact the wellness of your family and your peace of mind. Sorry again for saying things over and over again, even after your many verbal assurances. But now I would like to see your assurance translating to actions please.
My only desire is just to see a happy, well rested, calm and cheerful person back in you. And that will solve half of my problems. And rest half I’ll manage myself with some guidance from you.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Thanks a lot.
                                                                                                                                                   Yours truly

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